


but i'm a cheerleader!

by lavenderkasp



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Basketball Captain Toni Shalifoe, Cheer Captain Shelby Goodkind, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, The Unsinkable Eight (The Wilds), Toni Shalifoe-Centric, Tutoring, high school seniors/characters are eighteen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:15:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29366892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderkasp/pseuds/lavenderkasp
Summary: After an incident in middle school, Shelby Goodkind and Toni Shalifoe are no longer on good terms. When Shelby's dad tells her she needs tutoring to stay in pageants she seeks out any resolution possible, even if it means Toni.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 23
Kudos: 106





	1. chapter one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> weee i hope you all enjoy this :’) as always comments and kudos are appreciated!!

It was 10:20 in the morning and Toni finally woke up to the sound of her bedroom door closing. Previously fast asleep in bed, Toni grimaced as she tried to locate her phone to turn off the alarm. Looking at the phone, Toni noticed the time and realized she had slept through her alarm.

“Hey! How was practice today?” Martha, her best friend turned roommate, asked with a smile as she pulled out a chair and sat at her desk. Every Saturday morning, Martha spent her mornings organizing clothes at a donation center and this morning was no different. While most people volunteered for the school hours, Martha had been working with this center since elementary school simply out of the goodness of her heart. Sometimes Toni resented her ability to always be the nicest person in the room but right now, she was late and had other things to worry about. Frantically tossing the covers aside, Toni rushed to put on clean clothes. It was the first basketball practice of the year and Toni, the newly elected captain, had overslept. Martha realized Toni’s dilemma and grabbed a granola bar out of Tonis snack drawer in her desk and an orange Gatorade out of their shared mini fridge. Thankfully, Toni slept in basketball shorts most nights anyway so after she had thrown on a clean jersey and tied her shoes, she was ready to head out.

“Thanks, Marty! I owe you.” Toni shouted as she grabbed her belongings and rushed out, the door slamming behind her. Thankfully, Toni had finally saved up enough money to get a car of her own off of Craigslist and while it wasn’t the nicest and the guy she bought it from was sketchy as all hell, it got the job done. Toni hopped into her light blue 2007 Toyota Corolla and said a quick prayer to a God she didn’t believe in that the engine would start and soon enough, she was on her way to school. She drove around the parking lot once, couldn’t find a spot, did it again, and decided to park in the spot designated for the cheer captain before baralling out of her car. 

“I’m here! Sorry I’m late.” Toni panted, nearly short of breath, as she pulled open the gymnasium doors. 

One of her teammates slid what looked like a five dollar bill to Rachel. “I told you she’d get here before 10:30.” Rachel spoke with a smile as she pocketed the cash. Rachel was co-captain and while she technically could have started practice without Toni today, it’s no secret that Toni was better at getting team morale up. Not because she was particularly supportive, she was just intimidating enough to the new members that everyone played well enough to not disappoint her. The two of them conducted an objectively successful practice and took notes of where to place everyone for the new semester. It was their junior year in high school and both of them were determined to win the Texas High School Basketball Championship. Last year, the team had missed out on entry by just one game but this year, Toni and Rachel had spent the entire summer coming up with new ways to restructure the team and train in order to ensure success. They had spent nights in Rachel’s backyard trying to practice with Nora giving them logistical tips on what angle to throw the ball at and eventually, they had finally seen an improvement in their game. 

Practice felt like it was over almost as quickly as it had begun but whenever Toni was on the court, she lost track of time. When she was younger, Toni had picked up basketball almost as an accident. After one of her foster parents had thrown her out in an angry rage, Toni grabbed what little belongings she had and walked to the local park where she watched some older guys playing basketball and immediately realized she needed a way to play. In one of her proudest moments, she keyed the Maserati GT Convertible she hoped belonged to one of them playing and ran over to tell them someone had fucked with their car. Just like she had expected, he was too angry and distracted to grab all of his stuff and left a perfectly good basketball sitting on the court. From there on out, it was almost impossible to pull Toni away from the game and once she made it to high school, she was recognized for her talent and has never looked back since. 

“Do you wanna go to Skyline? Nora’s working today so we can get some free stuff.” Rachel questioned once their other teammates had cleared out.

“I’m down.” Toni replied. 

“Can we take your car? Nora dropped me off on her way to work.” Rachel asked and Toni simply nodded in response. The two of them made their way to Toni’s car and were met with a small group of people standing around it.

“What the fuck?” Toni questioned out loud, mainly to herself but loud enough for everyone else to hear.

“Do you always have to be so crass?” A Southern accent caught Toni’s attention and she rolled her eyes as if on command. Shelby Goodkind stood in front of Toni’s car, much too close for Toni’s comfort, surrounded by her other cheerleader friends and her boyfriend Andrew. Andrew’s arm was tossed around Shelby’s shoulder, pulling her so close Shelby looked borderline uncomfortable and Toni resisted the urge to make a “leave room for Jesus” joke. Toni tried her best to keep eye contact with Shelby who stood with her arms crossed as she awaited Toni’s response but a gust of wind went by and practically begged Toni to glance at Shelby’s tan legs underneath her green cheer skirt. It wasn’t her fault. Toni liked to consider herself a connoisseur of fine arts if fine arts was looking at women, even if it meant the blonde standing in front of her who was growing increasingly annoyed at the lack of an answer. “You parked in my spot and we had cheer practice today.”

“Cool. We had practice too and I got here first.” Toni replied, her tone flat. It didn’t take much for things to annoy Toni but Shelby had a special way of getting under her skin and despite their past, Toni tried her best not to let it show. If she let it show, then Shelby won and Toni would rather go to church every day for a week than let Shelby know she won. 

Andrew piped up, a pathetic attempt to defend his girlfriend. “The spot has her name on it. You park where you’re ‘posed to.”

Toni let out a small laugh. “I don’t see ‘pretentious bitch’ written on the curb?” 

“We cheer to support you, Toni. You and your team. How are we supposed to get to practice on time if we can’t find parking?” Shelby replied. Toni couldn’t believe that Shelby was trying to start an argument over a parking spot of all things, let alone that Toni was entertaining it. 

“You know that without a team to cheer for you guys are just a bunch of people in skirts, right? Now I’m gonna ask you once, get the fuck away from my car so I can leave and then your spot will be open.” Toni spoke as she glared at all of them. Her and Shelby locked eyes for less than a second and Toni felt a small ache in her chest; sometimes she wished things could have been different. This was one of those times. The feeling faded as soon as Andrew’s grip on Shelby moved down to her lower back as he dragged her away, the other cheerleaders in hot pursuit. Toni and Rachel cramped themselves into the car and for the second time that day, Toni prayed her car would start, not because they were in a rush but because the last thing she needed was for the entire cheerleading team to know she drove a piece of shit car. Almost as if her car knew she couldn’t handle the ego blow, it turned on and only sputtered once in the process. Rachel reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a box of cassettes, trying to decide what to listen to today. 

Rachel spoke up as she rummaged. “You know you don’t always have to start a fight, right?” 

“That wasn’t a fight. That was a confrontation.” Toni scoffed.

“You’re gonna get technical now?”

“I’m just saying, it wasn’t a fight. No weapons or physical combat were used.” 

Rachel laughed. “Do you always need to remind me how smart you are?”

“It’s just a textbook definition!” Toni replied, shrugging her shoulders in defense. She knew Rachel was just looking out for her and she didn’t have it in her today to reassure Rachel she didn’t need anyone to do so. 

Rachel pulled out a tape with the number four written on it and showed it to Toni. “Is this a safe bet?” Toni nodded. “Are you ever gonna explain why you have random numbers on all these tapes?” Toni shook her head. “I’m pretty sure you’re the last person on Earth who still makes cassettes.” They both laughed and Toni rolled the windows down. The summer was coming to an end and although Texas was hot as ever, it was almost September now and it starting to get to the point where it was a bit more enjoyable. 

Toni thought back to Rachel’s comment from earlier about the need to always try to start a fight. If she was being honest with herself, Toni didn’t think that was true. Growing up in the system Toni wasn’t always placed with loving foster parents and she tried her best to avoid anything that reminded her of such so even though she was more than willing to defend herself verbally, the idea of something getting physical terrified her beyond belief. Within the past couple years of living with Martha, Toni had found better ways to cope with her anger. Her foster parents were always fully aware of her anger issues and never did anything about it, only looking at Toni as a way for them to cash in more money, never expecting to have to put any in. Martha’s parents on the other hand had had Martha in therapy ever since middle school, just as a way to make sure that their daughter was growing up happy and emotionally aware. In an attempt to help Toni control her rage, Martha would share little tips here and there on how to simmer the anger before it boiled over. Since then, Toni had learned that basketball, driving and stargazing were her three favorite things but she’d be caught dead before telling anyone about the last one. Toni had a reputation to uphold; everyone assumed she was a short fuse, bound to catch fire and explode at any given second of the day and who was she to deprive the world of their assumptions. It was easier this way. Easier for people to stay away from her and easier for her to protect herself. 

Rachel interrupted her thoughts. “I’m pretty sure you’re the last person on Earth who still uses cassettes.” 

“What can I say? I like my music like I like my women.” 

“In your car?” Rachel had a feeling she was walking into a very bad joke. 

“No. Old.”

“Toni!” Rachel smacked her shoulder and the two of them erupted into a harmonious laugher that spilled out the sides of the car. 

Before they knew it, Toni and Rachel had pulled into the parking lot for Skyline where thankfully, there was no reserved parking. The two of them walked in and were immediately greeted with the smell of fresh roasting coffee and Nora’s contagious smile. 

“Hey guys! How was practice?” Nora spoke once they had reached the counter.

“What? No Skyline official greeting?” Rachel replied with a laugh.

Nora’s smile stilled but just for a second. “Hi welcome to Skyline! May I interest you in our new oat milk latte today?” All three of them couldn’t contain their laughs at Nora’s customer service voice but Rachel was gonna be damned if she didn’t take advantage of the fact that her younger twin had just gotten her first job. 

Rachel pondered for a minute, as if deciding how treacherous she wanted to make Nora’s morning. “Can I get a large, half-whole milk, one quarter almond milk, one quarter soy milk, extra hot, four shots, no foam latte with whip, two packets of splenda, the slightest touch of vanilla syrup and three short sprinkles of cinnamon?”

“You can get an oat milk latte.” Nora deadpanned. 

“An oat milk latte works!” Rachel settled. 

Nora redirected herself to Toni. “Just the usual?” Every time Toni went in she ordered a medium iced black coffee and every time Rachel suggested she try something new. 

Toni nodded. “Can you throw in one of those blueberry muffins for me too?”

“You got it!” Nora smiled and began making their drinks. Toni stood and watched as Nora and Rachel talked. Even though she was at work, Nora always found a way to talk to her sister and Toni would be lying if she said she wasn’t jealous of their relationship. Sure, she had Martha, and fuck she was grateful but there were sometimes she just wished she had someone of her own, someone blood related that would never leave her. Toni forced herself to put her self deprecating thoughts on hold, her and Rachel had had a successful practice and she was able to piss off Shelby, an unexpected yet very much appreciated surprise, and she wasn’t going to let her brain ruin this. Their coffee orders were ready in a few minutes and Toni sipped on her drink as Rachel discussed the next plan of attack for getting the team ready for championships. Despite Toni’s initial protests to having a co-captain, she figured if she was gonna do it with anyone it might as well be Rachel and so far it was paying off. 

An hour had passed before Toni decided it was time to head back home. “You ready?”

“I think I’m gonna stay here, hang out with Nora and get some homework done.” Rachel replied with a smile as she pulled her laptop out of her bag. Toni tried to ignore the familiar pang in her stomach. She let herself wonder for just a second longer what life would be like if she had a sister before she felt like she was betraying Martha. 

Toni said her goodbyes, got in the car and rummaged through her glove compartment for a new mixtape to listen to. This time, she settled on a tape with the number one written on it. Nobody knew what the numbers stood for, nobody except for Toni, and she intended to keep it that way. It was like an inside joke only she was in on. She drove home, ignoring all the speed limit signs and running questionably close lights the way she normally does. Toni pulled into the driveway and left her bag of basketball gear in the car. She’d probably be running late at some point again and figured it was better to be prepared. What she wasn’t prepared for, however, was Shelby Goodkind sitting on her living room couch.


	2. chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the groupchat mentioned in this is everyone but shelby since she’s only friends with martha! happy reading <3

Toni wanted nothing more than to stand in front of a moving train. She gestured to the blonde girl on the couch and made intense eye contact with Martha. “What the fuck is she doing here?”

“You know, I’m sittin’ right here.” Shelby rolled her eyes as she spoke but her hands were crossed in her lap. She was nervous.

“Oh. Sorry. Didn’t see you there,” Toni adjusted her gaze, locking eyes with Shelby. If looks could kill, Toni was pretty sure Shelby would be in a body bag by now. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Shelby rolled her eyes again. Toni swore if she rolled them one more time she was gonna pull her hair out.

“I don’t know why you need to be so rude all the time. I wasn’t planning on botherin’ you, I just wanted to hang out with Martha.” Shelby nudged Martha’s shoulder a bit and Toni groaned.

“Do you normally plan on bothering me? How many times a day do you schedule it because we can already cross one of your allotted moments off your checklist.” Toni was referencing earlier and they both knew it. Without Andrew by her side, Shelby looked smaller—less scared and uncomfortable—but still smaller.

Martha spoke up, clearly trying to diffuse the tension. “We’re friends! She’s just here to hang out and work on some homework.”

“The year just started, how do you guys possibly have homework to work on?” Toni questioned. Her voice softened when she spoke to Martha. Toni allowed herself to have one soft spot for one person and Martha had been the ranking placeholder for years now.

“Unlike you, some of us actually take academics seriously,” Shelby said, adjusting her posture as if she was proud of the fact that she had homework. Toni was already annoyed, but now she was getting angry. Shelby seemed to want to pick fights about the stupidest things.

Toni raised her voice. “Bite me, princess. You don’t know shit about me and academics.” Martha knew that Toni took school incredibly seriously, much more seriously than Martha herself. While Martha was successful in school because she knew it would help her get into a good college, Toni genuinely enjoyed learning and needed all the help she could get getting into schools. Toni had a few principal notes here and there on her record in regards to anger but if she was ever questioned about them, Toni would say it was completely understandable to cut off the ponytail of the girl in front of you because her hair was on your desk. When they were younger and Toni would come over for dinner, Martha’s parents always asked them for a fun fact they had learned in school that day and Toni was more than willing to share a handful of facts. Toni would tell them that cherries were a part of the rose family, that Venus spins clockwise and that sloths are incredibly good swimmers all because she had people who were willing to listen. Now, though, with basketball on top of everything, Toni found herself working twice as hard to make sure she wasn’t falling behind.

“Oh, it must be so easy only needing to worry about what grade you’re gonna get in remedial math. Some of us have real issues, Toni,” Shelby spoke, regretting the words almost as quickly as they left her mouth.

Martha spoke up. “You know she’s in Calculus, right?” Martha gestured to the textbook sitting on the dining room table. Shelby stuttered in response before deciding that no response was the best option.

Toni bit back a smile at Shelby’s admittance of defeat. Toni knew she couldn’t afford college on her own and she sure as shit wasn’t going to ask Martha’s parents to pay two kids tuitions so she was holding out hope on getting recruited by a college basketball scout. More than anything, Toni needed to get the hell out of Texas. She looked at Shelby, who couldn’t meet her eyes, before meeting Martha’s glare. It was clear she was sorry for bringing Shelby over without running it by Toni. “See ya, Marty. I’ll be in the room.”

She closed the door behind her, mindful not to slam it because that was one of the few rules in the Blackburn household. Toni pulled her blueberry muffin from earlier out of her bag and decided she was either gonna work on homework or listen to music or cure cancer or do anything besides have to think about Shelby. Toni chucked her torn up Vans into her corner of the room and collapsed onto the bed, pulling her English textbook off of her desk. She could hear Shelby’s laugh downstairs, contagious enough to put a smile on Toni’s face and annoying enough to make Toni regret she was ever born. Toni tried her hardest to concentrate on getting work done but all she could focus on was Shelby’s laugh echoing through the house and she decided she needed to get the hell out before she started hearing that laugh in her sleep.

**pussy slayers**

**toni**  
_is anyone free right now_

**rachel**  
_I’m still at Skyline with Nor. Everything okay?_

**toni**  
_yeah just gotta get out of the house_

**toni**  
_u guys are on ur phones all the time can someone answer me_

**fatin**  
_at cheesecake with leah_

**toni**  
_didn’t u say that cheesecake factory was a disgusting place for mall people_

**leah**  
_yeah but that was before she went with me_

**toni**  
_gross are u guys on a date_

**fatin**  
_i don't kiss and tell_

**dot**  
_Why is the groupchat name still pussy slayers? I thought we had moved past this._

***toni named the conversation “dot’s homophobic”***

***dot named the conversation “toni we’ve been over this”***

**toni**  
_so can it go back to pussy slayers?_

***dot named the conversation “pussy slayers”***

**dot**  
_Happy?_

**toni**  
_very. are u free to hangout?_

**dot**  
_Can’t. I’m watching Survivor reruns. Super busy._

**martha**  
_Toni, don't you have homework?_

**toni**  
_dont u have a pageant girl to babysit_

**fatin**  
_oh shit shelbys there?_

**fatin**  
_do u wanna come crash our date_

**toni**  
_nah_

**toni**  
_but i checked find my friends and u guys are at the one on mulberry so ill be there in like ten minutes_

***toni named the conversation “fatin i love you”***

Toni grabbed her keys and hastily threw her shoes back on, ready to get the fuck out of there. Not only had Shelby invaded her basketball practice earlier, she was invading her home as well and maybe she was being overdramatic but she didn’t care.

“You’re seriously going to Cheesecake Factory?” Martha sounded hurt.

“Until she - sorry. Until Shelby’s gone, I don’t wanna be here,” Toni replied. Before Shelby had a chance to feign hurt, Toni walked out the door and headed over to meet Leah and Fatin.

When Toni made her way into the restaurant, she realized she was indeed crashing a date. Both of them looked beautiful. Leah had her hair down and wore a light blue shirt with black jeans while Fatin had her hair in braids and wore a maroon top with matching lipstick. Toni’s initial feeling of guilt was quickly replaced when she noticed a slice of white chocolate raspberry cheesecake sitting on the table with three forks.

Toni had a smile on her face and couldn’t hide her excitement. “My favorite! But also why? Are you guys breaking up with me?”

“No, we just figured with Shelby around you’d need a break. Anyone would,” Leah said through a laugh. All it took was a few minutes before Toni completely unloaded, ranting about how Shelby had been metaphorically riding her dick in the worst way possible today.

Fatin reached across the table and put her hand on Toni’s shoulder. “Seriously babe. You need to get laid like yesterday.”

“Can I borrow Leah then?”

“Fuck off!” Fatin leaned over and gave Leah a quick kiss. The two of them had been dating for a little over six months now and Leah still found herself getting shy with Fatin when they were in public. The three of them ended up sharing Toni’s cheesecake slice and Fatin made an impressive attempt at flirting with the waiter in the hopes of getting a free drink before Leah and Fatin decided to go back to Fatin’s place.

“Have fun guys, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Toni said as she pulled them both in for a hug.

“You sound like a lesbian sherpa,” Fatin spoke as she stifled a giggle.

“Holy shit! Maybe that’s my calling. Fuck basketball I’m gonna start helping gay people all across the world get laid.”

“You should start with yourself!” Fatin shouted. Toni flipped her off. “You walked right into that one.” Toni flipped her off again, but this time with a smile. They all went their separate ways and got into their respective cars, leaving Toni with too much time on her hands to think. Toni drove around town aimlessly for a bit and settled on her usual spot.

There was a park about ten minutes outside of town that her and Shelby used to go to all the time in middle school before they had their falling out. The more Toni thought about it, the more ‘falling out’ seemed generous. Shelby had royally fucked up at the ripe age of thirteen. Memories flashed in Toni’s mind like a movie trailer; the two of them drawing their names in the sand underneath the slide, Shelby trying to catch every butterfly that fluttered by them, Toni collecting pet rocks to paint faces on and try to sell to the other kids in their grade. It was all too fucking sweet. But Toni had new memories with the park now.

About two years or so ago, Toni needed a place to blow off steam and found herself back where she and Shelby spent so many days. The park itself had become pretty populated and the playground was redone, but after a couple minutes of wandering, she had found herself back where she and Shelby used to spend most of their spare time. In between all of the tall trees and dirt paths, there was a smaller section of grass a little bit bigger than her and a small river. Toni had laid down the blanket she always kept in her car and watched the stars until the sun came up. Since then, Toni somehow always found herself back at that spot whenever she needed a break from the world, almost as if it was magnetized.

It was about three in the afternoon when Toni finally made it to the park. Although it wasn’t dark enough to look at the stars, Toni grabbed a couple of napkins from the side door of her car and a pen in case she decided on doodling some faces on the clouds she saw. There was something about looking up at the sky that brought Toni a sense of comfort. While some found it overwhelming, Toni sought solace in the fact that nothing really mattered. The world was so much bigger than her. If she wanted to spend her free time getting high and drawing clouds, absolutely no one could stop her. She grabbed the same pink and white quilted blanket her mom had made her before she left from her trunk and a pre-rolled joint from her glove compartment before she made her way to her personal oasis. Muscle memory led Toni to her spot and she was about two feet away when she heard someone crying. Toni mentally groaned. She could not deal with some random stranger crying, not today and probably not ever, so she kept walking but the crying only intensified. Toni was sure if she didn’t approach the person crying soon, they might choke on their own tears.

“Uh… stranger approaching real quick so don’t attack me.” Toni spoke with her hands up cautiously. “Are you okay?” The body tensed up at the sound of Toni’s voice and there was no response, but the sobs could still be heard. “I just don’t wanna be responsible if I see on the news that you’re the first person in the world to drown in their own tears and I didn’t do anything to help.”

“Even when someone’s hurtin’, you still gotta try and be funny.” Toni could recognize that Southern accent from anywhere and now she felt like she was standing on land mines. One wrong move and she was fucked, but if she stayed where she was, she was gonna have to listen to Shelby keep crying. Which, essentially, meant she was fucked. “I’m fine.”

“Did the scientist who programmed you tell you to say that? Normally crying isn’t an indicator of someone being fine.” Toni felt like hurdling herself into the sun. Shelby had invaded every aspect of her comfort today and it seemed she was intent on taking out another one too. Toni had been coming here for two years and had never seen Shelby once, had never even thought about her, except for the accidental times when she did. This spot had so many memories with Toni and she would be damned if she let Shelby ruin it more than she already had. When they were thirteen, Toni had come out to Shelby in this very spot. To be fair, everyone already made fun of her for being gay long before she came out so it wasn’t much of a shock, but Shelby’s reaction was. Thirteen year old Shelby, knotted braids with bumblebee socks and all, had pulled Toni in for a kiss. It was sloppy and awkward, exactly the way you expected your first kiss to be but it had meant something to both of them still to this day, even if both of them refused to acknowledge it. The kiss was over almost as quickly as it started and Toni felt like she had been on cloud nine. Shelby had always been the prettiest girl in their grade and she was Toni’s best friend so Toni’s naivety led her to believe there was no scenario where this could end poorly. Shelby dismantled that thought in a matter of seconds. Shelby looked at Toni, packed her school books back into her bag and told her she couldn’t see her again, that “the Lord didn’t approve” so by default, neither did Shelby. And that was it. Toni didn’t question it, she didn’t fight back or try to beg Shelby to stay. Toni let her leave because everyone leaves her eventually and if her friendship with Shelby ended then versus when she was older and there were more years on record, she figured she should cut her losses there. When Toni got home that day, she took all of the pictures of Shelby and her off of her wall, tossing them into the cigar box she kept her mementos in. The pictures blended in with old movie stubs, a ring her mother gave her that she was too scared to wear out of fear of losing it, and other random chotskies. The two of them had ignored each other ever since unless it was to piss each other off. Toni felt part of her getting angry and the other part of her trying to stay calm. She dug her nails into her palms in an attempt to relax; Shelby had already gotten a rise out of her once and didn’t deserve another. Shelby didn’t deserve to use this spot as comfort. Not when for weeks after Toni came out to this same spot to break branches in anger and throw rocks into the water in an attempt to bite back tears thinking about Shelby. Just because she was used to people leaving her didn’t make it hurt any less.

Shelby’s sobs brought Toni out of her thoughts and, for a quick moment, she pitied her. For the second time today, Shelby looked small. It reminded Toni of when they were in middle school.  
Shelby clearly had no one if she was out in the middle of the woods crying and something inside Toni told her not to be a dick, just this once. Toni knew that after this, they would just go back to acting like nothing happened so Toni decided to humor herself. “Sorry.” Apologies were never Toni’s forte so she stopped there. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

Shelby hesitated for just a second and didn’t stop to let herself think too hard on why. “Andrew broke up with me.” Shelby didn’t know why she was telling Toni of all people this. “I don’t know why I’m telling you of all people this.”

“Because I asked?” Toni bit back her need to make a joke about Andrew breaking up with Shelby because she couldn’t put out. She was clearly hurting and Toni decided she would wait until Shelby had slightly recovered, or at least stopped crying, before being an asshole. Toni wasn’t sure how much Shelby actually liked Andrew, but if there was one thing Toni knew, it was heartbreak. Toni’s mom, the first person she ever loved and was loved back by, constantly chose everything else over her without a second thought. A few months ago, Toni had gotten out of her first long term relationship. She had been dating Regan after months of smooth sailing before Toni did what she always did and fucked it up. So yeah, Toni knew a bit about heartbreak. “What happened?”

“Found someone else, I guess. I spend so long trying to be the perfect person for everyone. My dad, Andrew, the pageant judges, everyone but myself and all it led me to was you finding me crying and getting ready to tell the whole school about this.” Shelby’s voice dropped a bit at the end, as if she was actually scared Toni would tell everyone.

“Relax, dude. Your shit is your shit, I’m not gonna say anything.” Toni brought her hand up to her lips and pretended like she was locking them and throwing away the key. Shelby smiled. For a quick second, it was like she had forgotten who she was talking to. Toni’s mouth was moving quicker than her brain and she had a feeling she was going to regret this later but she couldn’t stop herself from asking. “There’s this spot I normally go to here to smoke and try to relax, do you wanna come with me?” Confusion was evident on both their faces. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Shelby hesitated again, apparently that was all she knew how to do around Toni, before nodding her head. Toni walked over and instinctively reached out her hand to help Shelby up. In her defense, this was something she did on the basketball court all the time whenever her teammates fell. But normally when Toni grabs the hands of her sweaty teammates, or anyone for that matter, she doesn’t feel a small militia of butterflies in her stomach. Normally, she doesn’t try to look away to hide the blush she knows is creeping up her cheeks and normally, she doesn’t find herself trying to memorize the grooves on the other person's palm. Toni hoisted Shelby up and she couldn’t help but notice that Shelby’s mascara was smudged from all her crying. Toni blamed that on the reason why she couldn’t look away, not because Shelby was undeniably beautiful. Not because Shelby’s eyes looked into Toni’s like she knew everything about her, not because for a split second Toni let herself imagine what would have happened had they stayed friends in middle school, not because Toni wanted to reach out and wipe the mascara from Shelby’s pale cheek the way she had done with Regan so many times before.

Toni cleared her throat. “We should get going.” Shelby looked down and realized they were still holding hands and promptly let go. Just like that, Toni remembered why they hadn’t stayed friends and wished she hadn’t invited Shelby to infiltrate her secret society of one, but the damage had already been done. She still wasn’t sure why she extended the offer in the first place, but if she was starting to pay attention to the freckles on Shelby’s cheeks then she knew Fatin was right, she desperately needed to get laid.


	3. Chapter 3

They didn’t have to walk very far before they made it to Toni's spot. Shelby was still sniffling a little bit and her cheeks were still stained with mascara smudges but she seemed better, or at least as better as she could be after getting broken up with. Toni pulled some branches back, motioning for Shelby to go through and she heard Shelby let out a small gasp once they reached the spot. It looked exceptionally peaceful today, the sun was glistening off of the water and it looked like a small patch of flowers were starting to bloom. Toni laid the blanket down and immediately collapsed onto it with a sigh. 

Shelby stood above her awkwardly for what felt like eternity before Toni broke the silence. “You know you can sit down, right?” Toni even patted the blanket as she said so. Shelby sat down cautiously, as if Toni was gonna rip the blanket out from underneath as soon as she reached it. It was silent for a bit longer before the rustling of Toni going into her pocket could be heard. She reached in and pulled out the joint she grabbed earlier with one hand and the lighter from her back pocket with the other hand. The lighter was a gift from Dot, there was no special occasion but she was the kind of friend who randomly gave people gifts. On it were some tiny drawings, mainly of constellations and moon phases, and it was one of Toni’s favorite things in the world. 

Toni sparked the lighter and brought the joint up to her lips, lighting it for just a second and inhaling, enjoying every second of the momentary peace it brought her. She exhaled and laughed at herself as she tried to catch the smoke that came out. She took another hit and let herself imagine that she was smoking on one of the clouds, thirty thousand feet above this situation with Shelby. Toni was brought out of her daydreaming when Shelby’s hand touched hers for the second time today and she realized Shelby was reaching for the joint. 

“Seriously?” Toni asked, her eyes wide with amusement. 

“You’re not sharing?” Shelby replied with a small laugh as she took a hit.

“Oh shit, is this your new special talent for pageants?” 

“Is your only topic of jokes for me the fact that I do pageants?”

“Nah, I have material stored for the fact that you do pageants and you do Jesus, but you don’t do your boyfriend.” Toni wanted to take the words back as soon as they left her mouth but to her surprise, Shelby laughed. Not one of those fake laughs she’s seen her do with her cheerleader friends and Andrew, but the genuine Shelby laugh where she covers her mouth because she’s scared of her flipper coming out. Toni wonders if Andrew knew about the flipper. She remembers when Shelby first showed her and how nervous she was, how Toni pulled out one of her loose teeth the next day so Shelby wouldn’t feel so alone. 

“I forgot how funny you can be.” Shelby took another hit and held it in long enough that no smoke came out when she exhaled. “I think that’s why he broke up with me, you know.” Shelby passed the joint to Toni.

“Well then he’s a bigger asshole than he lets on, which says a lot considering the fact that I think he’s a huge fucking asshole.”

“He’s broken up with me before, said he would go find any other cheerleader. I dunno know why he kept coming back but if he tries to this time, I’m done.” Shelby paused. She hadn’t had an actual conversation with Toni in years and here she was, confiding in her about her relationship issues. Shelby wasn’t sure if it was because she missed being able to talk to Toni like this or if it was because of the weed, but she felt a weight off her shoulders as soon as she started talking. She looked at Toni, who was taking another hit. Toni’s black hair rested a little bit below her shoulders and Shelby thought back to the days when Toni used to let her braid her hair. Shelby noticed her eyes looked more tired now, like Toni had gone through some serious shit since they last spoke, but Toni was too focused on the clouds to notice Shelby staring. Shelby took this as an opportunity to take in Toni’s features like it was the first time she had ever seen her. Toni’s nails were chipped with black nail polish and Shelby had noticed earlier today that Martha’s nails were painted too, she wondered if they had done them together and felt a smile on her face. Shelby let her eyes wander back up to Toni’s face, fixated on her lips as she exhaled her latest puff of smoke. 

Toni kept staring up at the sky but spoke up anyway. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Shelby averted her gaze almost immediately, but Toni still saw her cheeks turn pink. 

Shelby coughed, as if trying to regain her composure. “How have you been?” She knew she was treading in dangerous waters here, that she was the reason her and Toni had stopped talking in the first place. “How’d you even find this spot? I don’t remember seeing it when we were younger.”

“No offense, but the last thing I wanna do is make small talk,” Toni replied.

“You’d rather sit here in an uncomfortable silence than have a slightly tolerable conversation with me?” Shelby questioned. Toni nodded. They made small talk anyway. 

“I don’t really remember how I found it. A couple years ago I needed to be alone so I came here and just ended up walking around and finding it.” Toni paused. “Why’d you come here?”

“Andrew broke up with me, I told you.”

“I got that part but why’d you come to this park? In all the times I’ve been here, I’ve never seen you once. Kinda killed my vibe a little bit.” 

Shelby winced and Toni wished she had been more clear she was joking. “If you want me to leave just tell me.” Toni was silent so Shelby continued. “I don’t know why I ended up here. I was trying to think of a place where Andrew and the other girls couldn’t find me and for some reason this was the first place that came to mind. I won’t come back though, I noticed you carved your initials into one of the trees so clearly you have dibs.”

“We can always try co-parenting.” Toni stifled a laugh at her own joke. “You can be sad and alone every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and I can get it every other day.”

Shelby shoved Toni’s shoulder with a laugh. “Why do you get more days than me?”

“I know you’re not seriously asking me to explain that to you,” Toni replied. Whenever Shelby got upset, she isolated herself. She locked herself away and cried where no one could see her mask come off. Toni, on the other hand, most commonly got angry but she also made jokes. Shelby hoped this was a sign that she hadn’t done any permanent damage to Toni, that maybe they could coexist without arguing. Toni laid back down, kicked off her shoes and took another hit so deep she coughed a bit. Shelby followed suit, finally feeling comfortable enough to release the tension she didn’t even know she was holding and laid down too. For a few minutes, all that could be heard was the sounds of birds chirping and the slow stream of water. Toni glanced at Shelby and noticed she was wearing bumblebee socks. “Bee. There’s no way you still have the same socks from middle school.”

“Did you just call me Bee?” Shelby questioned, slightly taken aback. When they were younger, Toni always called Shelby ‘Bee’. While most people would do it to shorten Shelby’s name, Toni did it because Shelby had a fascination with bumblebees and that’s why Toni was the only one allowed to use that nickname. “Because if you did, I’m gonna have to go back to calling you Tiny.”

“God, no! I’m only a few inches shorter than you. I don’t know why I was cursed with such a derogatory nickname when yours is adorable.” The two of them laughed, remembering the days when the only thing they had to worry about was someone else using their claimed nickname for one another. 

“If you must know, these aren’t the same ones from middle school. I just buy myself a new pack of bee socks every year for my birthday.”  
“There can’t be that many packs of bee socks in the world.”

“How old do you think I am?” About a couple hours or so had passed since they had first made their way to the clearing and by now, the joint was gone and Toni was pointing out faces in the clouds. 

“I’m telling you. That one looks exactly like Denzel Washington and if you don’t see it, then you’re blind.” Toni spoke slowly, the effects of the joint evident in her voice. 

“It looks like a dishwasher! Are you saying Denzel Washington looks like a dishwasher?” 

“I think you need to get your glasses prescription fixed.”

“Toni, I don’t even wear glasses.” 

“You don’t? Since when?” There was no more uncomfortable silence between them, their laughs were the only thing the other could hear and any people who walked by would assume they were the best of friends. “Don’t you think the sky is just a big blue hat the world wears?”

“The sky changes colors so it can’t be a big blue hat. It’s a big multicolored hat.”

“Oh my god. The sky is a mood ring!” 

“Well, the mood ring is telling me I should get going. It’s getting kinda dark and I don’t want my dad to track me or call Andrew.” Shelby sounded like she rather be anywhere but home.

“He does that shit? Seriously?” Toni couldn’t imagine constantly being watched like that. “If men have anything it’s the audacity.” Shelby began putting her shoes back on and Toni tried to not be disappointed that she was leaving so soon. Toni blamed it on the weed. “Are you safe to drive home?” 

Shelby nodded. “Are you coming?” 

“I think I’m gonna stay here for a bit.” Toni definitely hadn’t expected today to go the way it did but she still needed to end the night like she always did by looking at the stars for a bit and here, she had a completely unobstructed view. 

“Thanks for letting me crash your plans. I appreciate it.” Shelby spoke quietly, looking everywhere but Toni’s eyes.

“Don’t mention it. Like seriously, don’t. Your shit is your shit and we can just act like this never happened.” Toni replied. Shelby didn’t know what she was expecting but she found herself disheartened at Toni’s response, even if she did deserve it. Shelby said her goodbyes and headed back to her car, leaving Toni alone. 

As the sun set and the night sky took over, Toni stared at the stars and tried to find her favorite constellations and ignore the small part of her that wished Shelby was still lying there next to her.


End file.
